Now I am just mad

I know there are all these stages your are supposed to go through when something bad happens but I am not sure what they are or what order they occur. I know denial is one of them. I only had a few seconds between the time I found out I had cancer and chemo started so I think I skipped that due to lack of time! I am not sure if anger is one or not but that is the stage I am in right now. If you have been reading this blog for very long, you know that I have talked about something being wrong with my port for months. It took a long time for someone to listen to me and get it out, and now it is still causing problems. So I am mad -- mainly at me for not demanding more attention to the thing months ago so we would not be where we are today.

So, just as it has been for months, my main discomfort is coming from the port site. It gets "treated" daily to help it heal but it really hurts. The tumor is hurting worse too but I can deal with that. The pain pills do help for a few hours and wear off just before it is time for the next dose. I just hate relying on them. I know this will heal and get more comfortable, and I can just get on with treating the cancer. In the meantime, there seems to be some sort of turf war between the Home Health companies providing the wound care and the IV meds and who is running labs on what. We spend a lot of time calling them, chasing down the medical items they were supposed to send us and what actually shows up with their delivery person. Now I need some sort of tube for my IV that is supposed to be here for my 6pm infusion that is not here yet at 4:17. Thank goodness Bob is tracking all this, checking the boxes that arrive and chasing things down. I just cannot handle it. Anyway, I am just mad.

That is really not too bad as it got me out of my "weepy" stage for a while. I was crying at the drop of a hat(just short little outbursts), which is not my style at all. In the Doctors office yesterday, I would see one of the chemo nurses and just start crying. It was pretty scary for them as they have been working with me for months and had not see that side at all. Before I knew it they were all talking to me about anti-depressants. Great -- more pills to take. Somehow I have not cried since, but just gotten mad.

I worked a little today which was great - just making phone calls and writing emails. It kept my mind off things for a while. We see the surgeon (wound surgeon) to see how the port is progressing and CT scan for radiation on Thursday. That may be it for Dr appmts for the week so I am hoping to get some things down. However, I am trying to not have expectations!