Whew!

This time I was really certain that my scan results would not be good, but thank heavens, I was wrong. This is the only time I love being wrong! While I am so grateful, I did not feel a great sense of relief when Doc O told me the good news. He prefaced it by saying my leg "has a great deal of scaring and the radiologist needs to look at to verify" but he thought things looked fine. That sort of set the tone for me, and I just could not get the fear out of my head. He even asked me what was wrong, and when I told him my concern, he went on to explain he always sends scans on to the radioligist and this was nothing new. For some reason, I just could not get passed it. He told me if they saw anything, I would get a call in the next couple of hours. He did everything he could to assure me nothing was wrong, but I was still pretty scared. Even though the scans started at 7:45, and I was out of the doctor's office by 10:30 I took the day off today. I just can't focus on scan days and usually I do not sleep well for a couple of days before, so I knew better than to schedule an appointment where I had to think. I did have a manicure appointment however! I kept calling Bob from the nail salon and from other places while out running errands to see if we'd gotten a call from Doc O. He was only to call if they saw "something", so "no news" truly was "good news". I guess I was getting pretty paranoid, because I even accused Bob of not telling me Doc O had called and questioned whether he was waiting to tell me when I got home, or even when we got back from vacation in England. Of course he thought I was being over the top crazy, and I knew it. But I could not help but check caller ID when I got home to see if we'd had any calls from Emory Clinic Bob was not telling me about.

The sarcoma just came up out of no where, and I just have this fear something else, even unrelated, will do the same. I still have a lot of fatigue, and by the end of the day I am whipped. Two years ago, I was going strong from 6:30a.m till finally crashing at midnight. I give out of gas so quickly now and that is what is scary. I do try to remind myself that before I was traveling at an unnatural WARP speed, and maybe now this is really normal for a 54 year old. But I do know there is no more sarcoma, so I am good and clean for another three months, and I am really going to try and enjoy that.

I have tennis in the morning -- a little cold, yet we are dedicated. Bob leaves for England Monday, and I go on Thursday. I have tons of work to do before I go so, I have to pick up the pace a bit right now. But as soon as I get on the plane, I am really going to unwind and relax. But I have become a "Crackberry" so I will not quite get away from work while away. That is my own fault. My boss Kendra yells at me (in ALL CAPS) for sending and reading work email while on vacation, but when you love what you do it is not work, right?

I am looking forward to the holidays with our family, and especially enjoying a glass of sherry by the fire with Nanny, Bob's Mom. Bob's kids, Becky, Selina and Andrew will be joining us for a few days the weekend after Christmas. We have plans with friends on "Boxing Day" and of course Christmas with family. Nanny will kick my tail in Scrabble like she always does, but I hope I have gained back enough concentration since chemo to score a few points.

I know there are still a few of you out there reading this, and I am so appreciative. I really am so happy and relieved with my good news, yet I remain a little skeptical. I will have to learn to cope with that. Maybe next year. Oh- that reminds me. I about two weeks when I look back at what I was doing a year ago, I will finally be able to say, "I was back" at work and not have year old memories of being plugged into a machine or tons of needles coming out of me. I can no longer blame failed memory on chemo - that 12 month excuse is done- so now I must fall on the sword and accept all responsibility for my actions I love being accountable again!

Have a wonderful Hannuka, Christmas and New Years. Thanks for being such great supportive friends. I will blog again when we get back and keep you up today. I am cheering up Writing about it helps--even if no one reads it!