This time I was really certain that my scan results would not be good, but thank heavens, I was wrong. This is the only time I love being wrong! While I am so grateful, I did not feel a great sense of relief when Doc O told me the good news. He prefaced it by saying my leg "has a great deal of scaring and the radiologist needs to look at to verify" but he thought things looked fine. That sort of set the tone for me, and I just could not get the fear out of my head. He even asked me what was wrong, and when I told him my concern, he went on to explain he always sends scans on to the radioligist and this was nothing new. For some reason, I just could not get passed it. He told me if they saw anything, I would get a call in the next couple of hours. He did everything he could to assure me nothing was wrong, but I was still pretty scared. Even though the scans started at 7:45, and I was out of the doctor's office by 10:30 I took the day off today. I just can't focus on scan days and usually I do not sleep well for a couple of days before, so I knew better than to schedule an appointment where I had to think. I did have a manicure appointment however! I kept calling Bob from the nail salon and from other places while out running errands to see if we'd gotten a call from Doc O. He was only to call if they saw "something", so "no news" truly was "good news". I guess I was getting pretty paranoid, because I even accused Bob of not telling me Doc O had called and questioned whether he was waiting to tell me when I got home, or even when we got back from vacation in England. Of course he thought I was being over the top crazy, and I knew it. But I could not help but check caller ID when I got home to see if we'd had any calls from Emory Clinic Bob was not telling me about.
The sarcoma just came up out of no where, and I just have this fear something else, even unrelated, will do the same. I still have a lot of fatigue, and by the end of the day I am whipped. Two years ago, I was going strong from 6:30a.m till finally crashing at midnight. I give out of gas so quickly now and that is what is scary. I do try to remind myself that before I was traveling at an unnatural WARP speed, and maybe now this is really normal for a 54 year old. But I do know there is no more sarcoma, so I am good and clean for another three months, and I am really going to try and enjoy that.
I have tennis in the morning -- a little cold, yet we are dedicated. Bob leaves for England Monday, and I go on Thursday. I have tons of work to do before I go so, I have to pick up the pace a bit right now. But as soon as I get on the plane, I am really going to unwind and relax. But I have become a "Crackberry" so I will not quite get away from work while away. That is my own fault. My boss Kendra yells at me (in ALL CAPS) for sending and reading work email while on vacation, but when you love what you do it is not work, right?
I am looking forward to the holidays with our family, and especially enjoying a glass of sherry by the fire with Nanny, Bob's Mom. Bob's kids, Becky, Selina and Andrew will be joining us for a few days the weekend after Christmas. We have plans with friends on "Boxing Day" and of course Christmas with family. Nanny will kick my tail in Scrabble like she always does, but I hope I have gained back enough concentration since chemo to score a few points.
I know there are still a few of you out there reading this, and I am so appreciative. I really am so happy and relieved with my good news, yet I remain a little skeptical. I will have to learn to cope with that. Maybe next year. Oh- that reminds me. I about two weeks when I look back at what I was doing a year ago, I will finally be able to say, "I was back" at work and not have year old memories of being plugged into a machine or tons of needles coming out of me. I can no longer blame failed memory on chemo - that 12 month excuse is done- so now I must fall on the sword and accept all responsibility for my actions I love being accountable again!
Have a wonderful Hannuka, Christmas and New Years. Thanks for being such great supportive friends. I will blog again when we get back and keep you up today. I am cheering up Writing about it helps--even if no one reads it!
Friday, December 12, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Countdown to scans
December 12 is the date of my next scans, both leg and lungs, and the fear is already back. When you have scans every three months, you are barely getting over the joy of clean ones, before you start fearing the next set coming up. If I stay "clean" until July, then they will only look at me every 6 months. I hear from other patients you can relax for a little while longer on the 6 month recall. I hope that is true. Of course I am at the point when I feel an ache from a deep breath or in my leg, I think the sarcoma is back. When I have scans, I am always certain that "this" time they won't be clean. You cannot imagine the amazing relief when they are, but is it hard to not keep prepping youself for they day when they won't be. I am pretty sure I won't be prepped for that no matter how much practice I get. I still am in a little bit of denial that this whole thing every really happened to me anyway. And every day I get further and further away from that awful 2007, it seems like an eternity ago. It was just about a year ago when I came home from the hospital after lung surgery, a pretty miserable experience, and yet probably the happiest day of my life to find out it was not sarcoma in my lungs.
I went to the support group again last night. While being there scares me to death when I see all the new folks in treatment, or the ones where the sarcoma came back again and again, I do think I like going there. Last night I met a man who had the sarcoma in his chest - and since then he has had it removed from his lungs, 3 times - all since 2004. He has had surgery every year, and yet he keeps moving on with his life. The friend I met from my first meeting, Virginia, who recently lost her leg to sarcoma (from the knee), got good reports on her scans. But for Virgina, a"good report" means the cancer that has already spread to her lungs, and is inoperable, has not spread further. She is a delightful, adorable, warm loving woman with incredible spirit - the kind of person you warm up to within minutes. She is a great role model. And there is this older man, with an unusal name that I cannot remember, who always hangs around with us a little and is so upbeat and kind. The other person I have gotten to know a little, Ned, probably in his early 30's is the ring leader of the group. He is the one who got this whole support group started. He sells real estate in "real" life, but when I hear all he does to support our effort and even tries to help Emory raise money for sarcoma research, I wonder how he has the time to work at all. The thing is, that while I went to this group thinking I might be able to help someone else, as it turns out, they are helping me. I realize how lucky I am that it has not come back, but they do remind me, if it does, you can get through it.
I know this probably all sounds pretty depressing, but while I am fearful, I am not depressed -maybe a little anxious but only when I stop long enough to really think about it. Fortunately, work is keeping me incredible busy. I have a lot of things to do to wrap up 2008 and prepare for 2009. If I really kick in and get some stuff done, I can leave for Christmas in England, all caught up, hopefully healthy and ready to enjoy the holiday. Things are good, in spite of all the crazy things happening in the world right now. I have tried to do little Christmas shopping. I love being able to complain about it, because last year I could not even do any of it. What a great problem to have!
I've told you our busy plans for Thanksgiving, and then on to England for Christmas in prior blogs so I will not bore you with that again. I am ready to get past December 12 and whatever it brings and enjoy the holidays. I promise to get back with you when we get scan results in a few weeks.
Have a wonderful, healthy Thanksgiving.
I went to the support group again last night. While being there scares me to death when I see all the new folks in treatment, or the ones where the sarcoma came back again and again, I do think I like going there. Last night I met a man who had the sarcoma in his chest - and since then he has had it removed from his lungs, 3 times - all since 2004. He has had surgery every year, and yet he keeps moving on with his life. The friend I met from my first meeting, Virginia, who recently lost her leg to sarcoma (from the knee), got good reports on her scans. But for Virgina, a"good report" means the cancer that has already spread to her lungs, and is inoperable, has not spread further. She is a delightful, adorable, warm loving woman with incredible spirit - the kind of person you warm up to within minutes. She is a great role model. And there is this older man, with an unusal name that I cannot remember, who always hangs around with us a little and is so upbeat and kind. The other person I have gotten to know a little, Ned, probably in his early 30's is the ring leader of the group. He is the one who got this whole support group started. He sells real estate in "real" life, but when I hear all he does to support our effort and even tries to help Emory raise money for sarcoma research, I wonder how he has the time to work at all. The thing is, that while I went to this group thinking I might be able to help someone else, as it turns out, they are helping me. I realize how lucky I am that it has not come back, but they do remind me, if it does, you can get through it.
I know this probably all sounds pretty depressing, but while I am fearful, I am not depressed -maybe a little anxious but only when I stop long enough to really think about it. Fortunately, work is keeping me incredible busy. I have a lot of things to do to wrap up 2008 and prepare for 2009. If I really kick in and get some stuff done, I can leave for Christmas in England, all caught up, hopefully healthy and ready to enjoy the holiday. Things are good, in spite of all the crazy things happening in the world right now. I have tried to do little Christmas shopping. I love being able to complain about it, because last year I could not even do any of it. What a great problem to have!
I've told you our busy plans for Thanksgiving, and then on to England for Christmas in prior blogs so I will not bore you with that again. I am ready to get past December 12 and whatever it brings and enjoy the holidays. I promise to get back with you when we get scan results in a few weeks.
Have a wonderful, healthy Thanksgiving.
Monday, October 27, 2008
All is well - still
Just a quick note to tell you all is well... still. Life is pretty normal - working long hours and loving it, playing a little tennis and get a little better (slowly however) and loving driving around with the top down now that is finally fall!
I did go back to the Sarcoma Support Group a couple of weeks ago. It was a smaller group, more positive and a much better experience. While most there had reoccurrances, they were handling it well and so very positive, so it was much more enlightening than depressing, as my first experience had been. I will go back next month if I am able.
We reschedule my next scans for December 12 to work within our trip to England for the holidays. Bob will go on December 15, and I will follow him a few days later. Like always, I am anxious about scheduling this trip only days after scans and worried about what I will do if the scans are not good. Even if the scans show something, we would not schedule treatment or surgery before the holidays anyway. But I am or course scared of the emotional side of the whole thing, and how I will handle it all. I know regardless, I would want to make this trip so we scheduled it and both excited about being in England for the holidays.
We will spend Thanksgiving with all my family (and there are usually a ton of us- 50 to 80 relatives) in Birmingham. Then, we will move on to Tuscaloosa for the Alabama-Auburn game. I can't help but remembering where I was this time last year. On October 15, 2007, or so, DocO found 2 spots on my lung that he and my lung surgeon felt were a reoccurance of the sarcoma. I had lung surgery on November 15 and was released from the hospital the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. It truly was a miracle (that the spots were an inflamation and not cancer), and I know how lucky and blessed I am. I was pretty uncomfortable for a while, but all ended well. And I was back at work on Christmas Eve!
I can't believe how 2008 has just flown by. In January, it will be two years since my diagnosis. I have come so far in the last 12 months, all with the incredible support of great family and friends. I think they will continue to scan me every 3 months till July, and they may move to 6 month intervals after that. I guess I am pretty supersticious because I am afraid if I quit blogging, the cancer will come back. So I guess I will just blog away forever, even if it is boring (I just love boring!) and there are no readers. I am going to really try to keep this up at least once a month, so if you check in on me from time to time, I will be out here. Hopefully, there will be no news to report, and this will be the dullest thing you ever read!
I did go back to the Sarcoma Support Group a couple of weeks ago. It was a smaller group, more positive and a much better experience. While most there had reoccurrances, they were handling it well and so very positive, so it was much more enlightening than depressing, as my first experience had been. I will go back next month if I am able.
We reschedule my next scans for December 12 to work within our trip to England for the holidays. Bob will go on December 15, and I will follow him a few days later. Like always, I am anxious about scheduling this trip only days after scans and worried about what I will do if the scans are not good. Even if the scans show something, we would not schedule treatment or surgery before the holidays anyway. But I am or course scared of the emotional side of the whole thing, and how I will handle it all. I know regardless, I would want to make this trip so we scheduled it and both excited about being in England for the holidays.
We will spend Thanksgiving with all my family (and there are usually a ton of us- 50 to 80 relatives) in Birmingham. Then, we will move on to Tuscaloosa for the Alabama-Auburn game. I can't help but remembering where I was this time last year. On October 15, 2007, or so, DocO found 2 spots on my lung that he and my lung surgeon felt were a reoccurance of the sarcoma. I had lung surgery on November 15 and was released from the hospital the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. It truly was a miracle (that the spots were an inflamation and not cancer), and I know how lucky and blessed I am. I was pretty uncomfortable for a while, but all ended well. And I was back at work on Christmas Eve!
I can't believe how 2008 has just flown by. In January, it will be two years since my diagnosis. I have come so far in the last 12 months, all with the incredible support of great family and friends. I think they will continue to scan me every 3 months till July, and they may move to 6 month intervals after that. I guess I am pretty supersticious because I am afraid if I quit blogging, the cancer will come back. So I guess I will just blog away forever, even if it is boring (I just love boring!) and there are no readers. I am going to really try to keep this up at least once a month, so if you check in on me from time to time, I will be out here. Hopefully, there will be no news to report, and this will be the dullest thing you ever read!
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Another year
Yesterday I turned 54. I have never been so happy to get old! Last year, I spent my birthday getting two units of blood and fluids. This year I played tennis, drove around in my new convertible (not far, no gas here in Atlanta), went shopping for new fall clothes, openned presents, and had dinner and football with friends. Last year, getting that blood, along with the incredible support from my family and friends, enabled me to be able to celebrate a great birthday this year. Every day is one to celebrate, but yesterday really was special!
P.S. Bama beating Georgia only had a little to do with it!
P.S. Bama beating Georgia only had a little to do with it!
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Great news great scans
After a few sleepless nights, I got great news today. My lung CT scans looked great. What a relief. I go through this every three months. A couple of weeks before I know I have scans, every ache in my body terrifies me. I just knew today I would have spots on my lungs. How, for once, I love being wrong! DocO said I would continue to have scans every three months for 2 years. He asked me today if he had given me a tee shirt yet. I told him I thought you did not get the shirt till you were "clean" and cancer free for 2 years (sounds like it is a 12-step AA program!). He was surprised we had not been together for 2 years yet. With all the wound vac issues, lung scare last year, he thought he had "known" me forever. I just can't wait to get the shirt! If I stay "clean" till next July 16, the shirt is mine! I will just wear it out, and it will be my most prized possession. Bob should really get one too, as he has lived this every day as well. All day long after the visit, I just kept saying "Oh yea!"
We are celebrating by meeting our friend Angela in Navarre Beach tomorrow, for a long weekend. I have not been to the gulf, my favorite place on earth, in almost 2 years. I just can't wait!
I have tennis lessons tonight - one of my other favorite places to be! I have been playing on Saturdays for a little bit. I am not ready for a 3 hour 3 set match yet, but every day gets a little better! I am still working a lot and loving it. I whine a little about having too much to do and too little time, but nothing could be better.
This Saturday, Sept 20, will be one year from my last chemo treatment! This year has just flown by so quickly. I can't believe my hair has been growing for a year! It is still pretty short (and I will keep it that way) and very curly, much to my dismay. Somehow, I have less gray than I did before, but I am sure that will change. I know I am causing a lot of folks to get more gray hair!
The sarcoma support group is meeting tonight, and I do want to try going to that again at some point. It was a little depressing for me last time because I saw so many patients that had reoccurances. I am in too good of a mood to mess that up. I will opt for my tennis lesson tonight instead and go to support group next month.
Life is good! Take care!
We are celebrating by meeting our friend Angela in Navarre Beach tomorrow, for a long weekend. I have not been to the gulf, my favorite place on earth, in almost 2 years. I just can't wait!
I have tennis lessons tonight - one of my other favorite places to be! I have been playing on Saturdays for a little bit. I am not ready for a 3 hour 3 set match yet, but every day gets a little better! I am still working a lot and loving it. I whine a little about having too much to do and too little time, but nothing could be better.
This Saturday, Sept 20, will be one year from my last chemo treatment! This year has just flown by so quickly. I can't believe my hair has been growing for a year! It is still pretty short (and I will keep it that way) and very curly, much to my dismay. Somehow, I have less gray than I did before, but I am sure that will change. I know I am causing a lot of folks to get more gray hair!
The sarcoma support group is meeting tonight, and I do want to try going to that again at some point. It was a little depressing for me last time because I saw so many patients that had reoccurances. I am in too good of a mood to mess that up. I will opt for my tennis lesson tonight instead and go to support group next month.
Life is good! Take care!
Monday, September 1, 2008
a little update
Two years ago this would not be news at all but it is huge to me! I actually played tennis twice this weekend! On Saturday we played just for an hour as I was scared to commit to anything longer not knowing when I would run out of gas. We played for two hours today, only quitting because someone else had to leave. I could have gone a little longer I think. So I am ready to commit to my regular Saturday friendly match again and get back into the routine. I still have a lot of work to do on my game, and I am not racing to get to any balls yet. But so far so good!
We had fun at the Ga Dome at the Bama-Clemson game on Saturday. Football and tennis -- life is pretty good!
We had fun at the Ga Dome at the Bama-Clemson game on Saturday. Football and tennis -- life is pretty good!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
A milestone
Today is a day I have been waiting for. I took my first tennis lesson with my team for the first time in about 22 months! In fact, it was this time 2 years ago I first found that little knot in my leg. I continued to play regularly and take lessons until I was too uncomfortable that December 2006. But I am all past that now and back to pretty much a regular routine.
I have a bit of work to do on my game. I had some decent shots but no consistency -- not that I had a lot to begin with! I am still a little hesitant to run after the ball, so I need just more practice and a bit more confidence. That will come with time, I hope. I am ready to try to go back and play my regular Saturday "friendly" match with Susan, Loree and Paula if they will have me. This really is a milestone for me, and I am so excited to be back in them game from many aspects of my life.
I've got scans again in a couple of weeks - Sept 17. These will just be on my lungs. We are going to the beach the next day for a long weekend, and I am really excited about that and visiting with our friend Angela.
I am back in physical therapy working on some stuff with my leg and hip and my left shoulder. I think it all stems from the surgeries, scar tissue and being inactive for so long. It is going well, and I made it through tennis practice without any aches or injuries! Work is great, and I feel like I am pretty much caught up - as much as I can be. There were so many new things to learn and for so long, chemo really affected my ability to concentrate. I think I am past that now, and I can't blame too much more on "chemo brain". No more excuses now!
I hope you all have a nice long Labor Day weekend. We have Cindy and Clyde coming for the first part of the weekend, and we are all going to the Alabama-Clemson football game at the Georgia Dome. Then they "check out" and friend Imo will be here for the rest of the weekend Michael, Michelle, Landon and Elise were here last weekend and that was fun. It is so great to have company coming to visit, and it is NOT because they are here to help take care of me! We just get to visit and have fun. Life is good!
I have a bit of work to do on my game. I had some decent shots but no consistency -- not that I had a lot to begin with! I am still a little hesitant to run after the ball, so I need just more practice and a bit more confidence. That will come with time, I hope. I am ready to try to go back and play my regular Saturday "friendly" match with Susan, Loree and Paula if they will have me. This really is a milestone for me, and I am so excited to be back in them game from many aspects of my life.
I've got scans again in a couple of weeks - Sept 17. These will just be on my lungs. We are going to the beach the next day for a long weekend, and I am really excited about that and visiting with our friend Angela.
I am back in physical therapy working on some stuff with my leg and hip and my left shoulder. I think it all stems from the surgeries, scar tissue and being inactive for so long. It is going well, and I made it through tennis practice without any aches or injuries! Work is great, and I feel like I am pretty much caught up - as much as I can be. There were so many new things to learn and for so long, chemo really affected my ability to concentrate. I think I am past that now, and I can't blame too much more on "chemo brain". No more excuses now!
I hope you all have a nice long Labor Day weekend. We have Cindy and Clyde coming for the first part of the weekend, and we are all going to the Alabama-Clemson football game at the Georgia Dome. Then they "check out" and friend Imo will be here for the rest of the weekend Michael, Michelle, Landon and Elise were here last weekend and that was fun. It is so great to have company coming to visit, and it is NOT because they are here to help take care of me! We just get to visit and have fun. Life is good!
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