Countdown to scans

December 12 is the date of my next scans, both leg and lungs, and the fear is already back. When you have scans every three months, you are barely getting over the joy of clean ones, before you start fearing the next set coming up. If I stay "clean" until July, then they will only look at me every 6 months. I hear from other patients you can relax for a little while longer on the 6 month recall. I hope that is true. Of course I am at the point when I feel an ache from a deep breath or in my leg, I think the sarcoma is back. When I have scans, I am always certain that "this" time they won't be clean. You cannot imagine the amazing relief when they are, but is it hard to not keep prepping youself for they day when they won't be. I am pretty sure I won't be prepped for that no matter how much practice I get. I still am in a little bit of denial that this whole thing every really happened to me anyway. And every day I get further and further away from that awful 2007, it seems like an eternity ago. It was just about a year ago when I came home from the hospital after lung surgery, a pretty miserable experience, and yet probably the happiest day of my life to find out it was not sarcoma in my lungs.

I went to the support group again last night. While being there scares me to death when I see all the new folks in treatment, or the ones where the sarcoma came back again and again, I do think I like going there. Last night I met a man who had the sarcoma in his chest - and since then he has had it removed from his lungs, 3 times - all since 2004. He has had surgery every year, and yet he keeps moving on with his life. The friend I met from my first meeting, Virginia, who recently lost her leg to sarcoma (from the knee), got good reports on her scans. But for Virgina, a"good report" means the cancer that has already spread to her lungs, and is inoperable, has not spread further. She is a delightful, adorable, warm loving woman with incredible spirit - the kind of person you warm up to within minutes. She is a great role model. And there is this older man, with an unusal name that I cannot remember, who always hangs around with us a little and is so upbeat and kind. The other person I have gotten to know a little, Ned, probably in his early 30's is the ring leader of the group. He is the one who got this whole support group started. He sells real estate in "real" life, but when I hear all he does to support our effort and even tries to help Emory raise money for sarcoma research, I wonder how he has the time to work at all. The thing is, that while I went to this group thinking I might be able to help someone else, as it turns out, they are helping me. I realize how lucky I am that it has not come back, but they do remind me, if it does, you can get through it.

I know this probably all sounds pretty depressing, but while I am fearful, I am not depressed -maybe a little anxious but only when I stop long enough to really think about it. Fortunately, work is keeping me incredible busy. I have a lot of things to do to wrap up 2008 and prepare for 2009. If I really kick in and get some stuff done, I can leave for Christmas in England, all caught up, hopefully healthy and ready to enjoy the holiday. Things are good, in spite of all the crazy things happening in the world right now. I have tried to do little Christmas shopping. I love being able to complain about it, because last year I could not even do any of it. What a great problem to have!

I've told you our busy plans for Thanksgiving, and then on to England for Christmas in prior blogs so I will not bore you with that again. I am ready to get past December 12 and whatever it brings and enjoy the holidays. I promise to get back with you when we get scan results in a few weeks.

Have a wonderful, healthy Thanksgiving.